I bought a cardigan today.

I know what you’re thinking: Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow.

It’s a bitchin’ cardigan. I anticipate that I’ll be having many special encounters because of this cardigan, because you KNOW that nothing turns a man on like a long sleeved sweater with eleven buttons.

Picture this.

Scene:

Southern California, winter. Lindsay is sitting at an outdoor table at a prominent Hollywood restaurant eating pancakes and wearing a cardigan. A guy (Hayden Christensen) is walking down the street. He suddenly stops in his tracks. Lindsay looks up from her pancakes. Who is this fellow? He looks very mysterious and rugged. Is he from the wrong side of the tracks? Is he homeless and wants her pancakes (oh, HELLS no)? Lindsay is instantly intrigued. Hayden Christensen can’t take his eyes off of Lindsay.

Cue music: Tonight, I Celebrate My Love by Peabo Bryson.

Lindsay stands and coyly extends her hand. Hayden steps closer and gently holds it.

Lindsay: Hello, Mysterious Man. I couldn’t help but notice you were staring at me. Do I know you?

Hayden puts his finger on Lindsay’s mouth: Shh. You don’t know me, but after this moment, neither of us will want to remember life before this encounter.

Lindsay: You have my attention. May I ask, handsome stranger, what made you stop? Are you gainfully employed or were you looking to take a bit of my breakfast?

Hayden: I am just a simple man who is falling in love with you more with every word you say. I’m not interested in your breakfast. What caught my attention was…

[Hayden looks down at his feet shyly]

Lindsay: Stranger, don’t be ashamed. Tell me. Tell me everything. What caught your eye? I’m just an ordinary girl.

Hayden and Lindsay lock eyes.

Hayden: You may be an ordinary girl but you, my beauty, are wearing an extraordinary cardigan. When the sunlight catches the wool and shimmers, you radiate. It falls at your hips perfectly and the material is light but still enough to keep you warm, darling girl. Marry me. Be my wife.

Lindsay, weeping: I recognize you now. Hayden, yes. Yes. I will be your wife.

Hayden lifts Lindsay into the air spins her around. The cardigan twirls gaily in the wind.

Lindsay: Do you love me even though I never saw you in Star Wars?

Hayden: You, Lindsay, have brought me back from the Dark Side.

THE END.